I like you, I think

The first time I wrote an online profile I tried writing what I thought would attract “the right” woman.  I didn’t lie so much as I simply bent the truth and left things out.  If I found a woman’s profile attractive I would update mine so that it more closely matched what she had in her “what I’m looking for” section.  Okay…I guess I did lie.  But that was long ago.

If you falsify details in your profile, and you do get to meet that person you desire, they’re going to figure out that your profile isn’t really you.  It took a little bit of time but I’ve learned: you need to be upfront and honest.  I figured out that I what I really want to find is the person that likes me for exactly who I am, so now I’m an open book.  But what if you tell the truth and the person reading your profile doesn’t bother to pay attention?

Many online sites have a spot to list your religious preference in your profile.  In mine, I usually have “spiritual but not religious”, or the equivalent.  I was raised in a Jewish family, and I indicate this in my profiles with the addition that I’m not practicing.  I observe the holidays, try to teach the kids, but that’s the extent of it.  If the topic comes up during conversation with a potential date I make no attempt to hide it from them.  At times I’ll actually forego initiating contact with someone because in their profile’s “what I’m looking for” they’ve specifically excluded Jewish.  If they contact me though, great!

Allison had one of those profiles that I find very attractive; great photos, places she liked to go, things she liked to do, all of it.  Definitely someone I would like to meet and get to know better.  But there were two strikes against me: 1) she wanted to meet someone who’s Christian, and 2) I was seven years above the upper range of the age of who she was looking for.  I added her to my list of favorites, but didn’t contact her directly; I wasn’t what she wanted.  Her initiating contact with me was the best I could hope for, and I got it.

I was quite excited when I received Allison’s e-mail.  Apparently the wonderfully automated system at the online dating service kept listing me in her lists of potential matches.  I have a whole rant about how these “matching” systems don’t seem to really pay attention to what we list in our profiles.  I didn’t match what she wanted; why did it keep sending me to her? The pressure got to her; she gave in, and sent me an e-mail.  The only thing she noted was that I was outside of her preferred age range, which she was willing to overlook for now so that she could get to know me a bit.

We e-mailed each other a few times, talked on the phone, and discussed finding a time to have a face-to-face meeting.  We’re both single parents, and she’s much newer at it than I am.  She was studying for a test, trying to spend time with her son, and would have to find a babysitter in order for us to have that meeting.  She had a roommate, so the babysitter part was easy, just the timing of availability needed to be addressed.

A few days later she called.  Her evening had freed up and she wanted to meet.  I took a 20-minute drive to a TGIFriday’s (convenient for her) near her place and I eagerly awaited her arrival.  When she walked in I was thrilled to see that the smile she wore in her photos had come with her, and it brought a smile to my face as well.  I bought us both a few drinks.  We had some great conversation.  I walked her to her car.  We shared a very…very nice hug and kiss, and over a phone conversation the next day we made plans to get together for dinner the next week.  As first meetings go, this one was a winner.

The following week she drove out towards me and we met at a great sushi place I know.  Again we shared great conversation, this time over a great albeit not inexpensive meal.  As we left the restaurant we shared another kiss and I asked if she had to get home.  She didn’t, so I suggested we go grab another drink somewhere and continue our conversation.  Off we went to a nearby bar and I got us another round of drinks.  Then the conversation changed.

She liked me.  She had said it more than once that night, and the previous week.  She showed it in her hugs and her kisses.  But, apparently we couldn’t see each other any more.  She didn’t feel that she could be with someone that isn’t Christian.

Excuse me?!  At no time in our conversations did the topic of religion come up.  She gave no indication that she had any concern and she never spoke of it; not that first evening; not at that first kiss; not during subsequent phone calls; not over dinner earlier; never.  Not before we got to the bar had our drinks.  I was completely taken aback by this.  Why now?

Apparently, she didn’t fully read my profile until just before our date that evening.  She knew it then, but wanted to see me and felt it would be rude to cancel at the last minute.  She said she was torn about it, but her family is very religious and they would disapprove.  Family aside, she couldn’t imagine being with someone that didn’t share her beliefs.

What if I didn’t suggest we go get some drinks after dinner?  She obviously wasn’t going to mention it before we parted after dinner.  Would she have let it go until our next date?  Ended it over the phone?  I was excited about meeting her, getting to know her, and things really looked like they were going well.  Regardless, I was truly hurt by this sudden change in what the future would bring.  It wasn’t until later that I actually felt like I had been “used” for dinner and drinks that night.  Sorry, but I don’t think it’s right to let someone spend over $150 on dinner if you know you’re going to end it!  Feel free to share your opinion

We parted and that was the last I saw of her.  We e-mailed each other a few more times, but that was it and we were done.  I was hurt and disappointed, and left wondering if if it would happen again.

If you’re going to take the time to be honest in your profile, wouldn’t you want it to be read?  There’s not much you can do to ensure that it gets read…nor that its understood for that matter.  The only way I can think of  to prevent this from occurring; read the entire profile of the person you’re interested in and make sure you truly are interested!

Maybe this was just karma getting back at me for the lies in the profiles I had in the past.

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About Fresh Start Dad
Early forties, divorced dad of two teenagers, surviving back in the single world. Here to share stories and any survival skills I pick-up a

4 Responses to I like you, I think

  1. Tiffany says:

    Ah, yes. Online dating. My nemesis. (Read my posts on this subject – they are entertaining.) My experience was passive rejection…constant… for my honesty. Men don’t like it when women say their kids come first. So I stopped. Not worth it for me at all to date if the guy doesn’t get me.

    The right thing will come at some point. But it won’t be due to higher volume of dates. Call me crazy? Oh wait… 🙂

    Tiff

  2. Jaysey says:

    Seriously. If I take the time to type it out, people should freaking take the time to read it. Like you, I always put spiritual but not religious, and my profile explains that I was raised Catholic but no longer practice. I get slews of e-mails from guys who talk about how important it is that the woman they meet is a “good Christian woman, who goes to church.” Well, my profile clearly says I am not the woman. It’s very frustrating. I feel your pain.

  3. Pakhet says:

    I totally feel your pain, and it is part of why I stopped online dating. Of course, I haven’t stopped twitter dating and will soon blog about the difference. I’m honest, so should be the guys i go out with.

  4. Pingback: Hurting A Friend Sucks « Fresh Start Dad

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