Didn’t I Mention That I Have Kids?

A comment on my recent post about someone not fully reading my profile mentioned “Men don’t like it when women say their kids come first.”  But that’s not just limited to men…women don’t like it either.

In the realm of close, inter-personal relationships — you know, that whole dating thing — the longer I know you, and if I like you, the more I’ll want to spend time with you.  But if I’ve only recently met you please don’t expect me to immediately give up every waking moment of my life for you; especially time with my kids.

I’m a single parent and have been for awhile.  I was essentially the only “parent” even when I was married, but I digress.  I’ve known my kids for awhile.  I like them both (most of the time).  They don’t live with me all the time (yet) so I value the time I get to spend with them.  That’s right moms; I’m a dad and I value spending time with my kids.  When I first moved out I said that I must get the kids 50% of the time, and I did.  When it comes to my time, they get priority; I’ve known them longer and they just might be cooler than you.

The fact that my kids come first in my life seems to be a hard concept for many women to grasp.  More so for those that are kid-free themselves.  Some get it.  Most don’t.  Even the ones that say “it’s great how involved you are with your kids'”, “You fought for them and won!?  That’s awesome!”, “You must be a great dad!”, at some point all-to-early in our relationship most of them throw-in something along the lines of “but why can’t you just leave them home alone tonight so we can meet/go out/screw?”

The point that is the hardest for me to get across is that it wouldn’t always be like this.  Once I get to know you and there is actually some exclusivity in our relationship, then I would be more likely to leave my kids at home and go out for the evening.  This seems to be a difficult concept for some women to understand.

The women that do understand usually have kids of their own, or they’ve been divorced and back on the dating scene for awhile; usually, not always.  In my experience, the women that have the biggest problem with not getting my full attention early in a relationship are: looking to have kids of their own with someone; older and have kids that are out of the house already; don’t give a crap about their own kids.  I do not mean to imply that all women in these categories are this way.

If you are looking for a long-term relationship and would like to have kids of your own…great!  I haven’t ruled out having more.  I don’t mean that having more kids is a requirement or a necessity for me.  I just mean that if I meet the right woman with whom I see a long term potential and she wants kids, I’m saying it is a definite possibility.  Too often though, my having older kids is an automatic presumption that I don’t want any more.  If I say that’s not the case, I’m lying just to get in her pants.  Thanks for the trust…time to move on.

If her kids are out of the house already, I understand that desire to want to live life without kids.  Like I said, having more kids is not a requirement for me.  But it you need to start that kid-free life with someone NOW and can’t wait the 3.5 years for my youngest to turn 18, then I wish you all the best.

If you’re a woman that is willing to duck out on your kid to meet up with me for one of our first meetings, or if you’re thinking about meeting my kids or me meeting yours early in our relationship, then we probably aren’t going to get along all that well anyway and I’ll wish you well…again, time to move on.

I understand the honeymoon, or puppy dog phase of a relationship; you want to be with that person all the time and feel them, touch them, and have them close.  I get that.  I even understand it if all you want is a physical relationship or a FWB.  But seriously:  if I haven’t seen my kids in a few days I’m not going to blow them off just so that you can blow me.

I’ve said it before: I really want to find is the person that likes me for exactly who I am, and that includes the kids in my life.

Thanks to Tiffany from Single At The Halfway Point for the comment that inspired this rant post.

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About Fresh Start Dad
Early forties, divorced dad of two teenagers, surviving back in the single world. Here to share stories and any survival skills I pick-up a

5 Responses to Didn’t I Mention That I Have Kids?

  1. The Reality of White Picket Fences says:

    Whoa! And Holy Shit! That is some post there boy… but you know me and I agree whole heartedly!
    Love the ones that think they are gonna meet your kids after only having been out with you once or twice… yeah right….. or the ones who think I have a built in babysitter just because I have older kids as well as younger ones.

  2. Jaysey says:

    I would personally think it weird if I dated a man with kids who did not put his kids first. Children are an awesome responsibility–once you have them, you give up putting your wants and needs first–that includes in the dating department. If more single parents adopted that philosophy, the world would be a better place.

    • Its unfortunate, but the vast number of divorced moms I’ve met, whether I’ve dated them or not, have ex’s that prefer to have very little to do with their kids. My guess is that those guys are looking for as much exclusive attention as are some of the women I mentioned above.
      It’s sad for the children of the world.

  3. Zoë Blue says:

    Wow, I loved this post. Recently, I’ve been thinking about writing on single dads (all good things, I assure you!) and I’d like to link to this.

    Looking forward to seeing how this blog develops!

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