So You’re Gonna Go On…

Yahoo recently announced that will become Yahoo’s online dating site provider.   This means that if you’re on Yahoo Personals and want to keep a profile up you’ll need to update your profile; if you’re not on already.  I wanted to take this opportunity to walk you through setting up a profile, and what NOT to put on it. Read more of this post


Algebra In The Dating World

A few weeks ago, I was contacted by someone much younger than myself; a 20 year-old, who we’ll call TY.  I figured this must be some kind of spammer, Nigerian 419 scam, or someone with “services available to a generous gentleman”, because seriously I cannot picture a 20 year-old attempting reach out to me.  So I played along and replied to the e-mails.  It was all too perfect: she lived in my town, she’s just looking for new “friends”, and according to her my profile made it seem like “it would be fun to get together”.  Uh huh.  A total scam.  Having worked in then computer security field I was very careful not to reveal any identifiable information about myself: I have alternate e-mail aliases, IM accounts, means to text message, and even a different phone number to give out if that were ever necessary.  So lets play.

Didn’t I Mention That I Have Kids?

A comment on my recent post about someone not fully reading my profile mentioned “Men don’t like it when women say their kids come first.”  But that’s not just limited to men…women don’t like it either.

In the realm of close, inter-personal relationships — you know, that whole dating thing — the longer I know you, and if I like you, the more I’ll want to spend time with you.  But if I’ve only recently met you please don’t expect me to immediately give up every waking moment of my life for you; especially time with my kids. Read more of this post

I like you, I think

The first time I wrote an online profile I tried writing what I thought would attract “the right” woman.  I didn’t lie so much as I simply bent the truth and left things out.  If I found a woman’s profile attractive I would update mine so that it more closely matched what she had in her “what I’m looking for” section.  Okay…I guess I did lie.  But that was long ago.

If you falsify details in your profile, and you do get to meet that person you desire, they’re going to figure out that your profile isn’t really you.  It took a little bit of time but I’ve learned: you need to be upfront and honest.  I figured out that I what I really want to find is the person that likes me for exactly who I am, so now I’m an open book.  But what if you tell the truth and the person reading your profile doesn’t bother to pay attention? Read more of this post

First date TMI

I am a sucker for a redhead.  On my 1-10 scale a redhead can score a 12, maybe even a 13, since they get a couple of automatic bonus points in my world for their hair and skin tone.  So when a new online red-haired friend from one of the free dating sites suggested we get together for our first meeting last night I was in full agreement.  I had a strong feeling that after the in-person meeting I would easily score her close to that 10 mark, based on her photos — which were recent and she just posted more new ones that day — and the couple of actual phone conversations we had — she had a bit of accent too!  It’s amazing though what a bit of conversation over a drink can actual reveal, and how being a redhead could suddenly mean nothing in my world.  Keep in mind, this only applies to this specific redhead.  All others: you’re still way up there.

Let me say that I am completely in favor of being open and honest.  But, some things are best not shared during a first meeting.  We met at a bar/brewery/restaurant about half-way between our homes and were able to find a seat in the bar area.  It was a bit crowded, which made the conversation even more awkward because every revelation she made was overheard by the two guys sitting behind her.  I swear I thought their necks were going to snap off more than once as their heads spun around in that “WTF did she just say?” way.  If I wasn’t sitting across from her and looking right at her, my neck would be sore today as well.

Menage a how many?
An innocent enough comment; her dogs sleep on her bed.  Nothing ominous there.  But as the conversation progressed it was revealed that the dogs, they are always on the bed whenever she’s on the bed, regardless of the activity.  Not just for sleep, but other more physical activities as well…whether or not she has a partner present.  I’m not sure about anyone else, but the thought of a pet there in that moment strikes me as more than just odd.

Who’s your roommate?
She’s recently separated.  I’m nearing the point that I may start avoiding those words.  I haven’t had good luck with anyone in that position. While it’s one thing to be separated from your spouse and be going through a divorce,  it’s another when that spouse, who you’re still married too, lives in the same house.  And I was worried about the dogs being on the bed.

Current Photos… so that’s why
The other day I wrote that its important to have current photos in your online profile.  I mentioned earlier that she had posted new pictures as recently as earlier that day.  The reason why her photos were all recent was because just around two months ago she was close to 100 pounds heavier; lets hear it for the lap band!  I certainly don’t have any issues with someone’s weight, but there was something about this revelation that just wasn’t right.  Maybe it was the talk of her surgery in general; this was just strange to me.

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you correctly
Being open and honest in a sexual relation is very important.  Sharing your history of STDs during your first face-to-face meeting with someone… maybe not the right time.  Crabs, warts, and vaginitis
(I know, not STD, but while we’re down there…).  All gone.  All cleared up.  All treated.  No threat of passing anything along to a partner.  Why mention it then?  More importantly, why mention it now?  Couldn’t we had gotten through one drink before we cover these items!?

The bar was closing.  I’d had my two pints, she’d had her one girly drink and the conversation was now coming to an end.  There was more that I could mention, not surprisingly, but the rest seems quite trivial in comparison.

Am I too picky?  Am I too conservative?  Not enough?  It doesn’t matter.  If there’s certain behaviour that I don’t agree with, or conversations that put me off, then the chemistry just isn’t there.

Wait…what? You’re WHO??

Circumstances have made you single again and you’ve gotten to the point where you feel you’re ready to put yourself back on the proverbial singles market.  In this day and age, that’s very likely to include setting up a profile on one or more of the multitude of online dating sites.  Here’s a piece of advice – post a picture post a current picture with that profile.

Most online dating sites will recommend posting a photo with the justification that it will increase your chances of having someone actually view your profile.  For you ladies, I can tell you first hand that guys are very visual and if it isn’t the photo that draws us to your profile in the first place, its certainly one of the things that keeps us there.

Posting a current photo is a good idea for more than a few reasons.  The one that comes up most often is the horror story of finally meeting up with someone face-to-face, but that face isn’t the one that was seen online.  It doesn’t matter if your college roommate says you haven’t aged since we roomed together 10 years ago, you have, and its essentially lying to misrepresent yourself in that manner.  Posting a current photo ensures that you know what you’re ordering from that online dating store.

But I digress.  The trigger for this little rant wasn’t a face-to-face meeting with disappointing results.  No, this was more along the lines a late Friday night online chat rapid e-mail exchange that rather quickly progressed into adult innuendos, only to realize that it wasn’t an anonymous stranger on the other end.

It started innocently enough.  A quick e-mail from me at 1:30 am saying “hello”, “saw you online”, and asking “what are you doing up at this hour?”.  I got what seems to be the standard response of “not much, what about you?”, and so it began. After more than a few back and forth e-mail messages it finally progressed to one that made me scratch my head.

HER: Too bad my kids are here. I’d be able to come round to chat in person with you.

ME: How many kids?

HER: Both Niall and Thomas are here.

This very casual revelation of her children’s names after a few e-mail messages struck me as odd, more than her willingness to chat in person at such a late hour.  It was then that the gears started turning, or perhaps some of the alcohol released control of my brain, but looking at her photo more closely I realized that I know her…or her older sister!!

This wasn’t just a random person that I had seen at the corner grocery.  This woman was the ex-wife of a friend an acquaintance of mine!  They’ve been divorced for over a year, and he’s remarried, but regardless the moment suddenly became very awkward.  What made it more awkward was that she knew exactly who I was!

Seriously?  This woman that I’ve know for more than a few years, who knows that I know her ex, she would actually consider coming over for a 2:00 “chat”?  Never mind; she had here kids and wasn’t going anywhere.  I’ve not pursued it any further.

But her photo.  I’m sitting here, sober, looking at it now as I write this and its not her.  Not the her I know.  Not at first glance anyway.  I have to look at the photo very closely to even think about it being her.  Even with the clues in her profile I would have never guessed.  Honestly though, I don’t recall her being a redhead the last time I saw her, and considering how much I fancy them my decision to initiate contact was very subjective at that moment.

It all comes back to the photo.  A photo that was not taken in recent days, weeks, nor would I say taken since her divorce.  A photo that made her look like someone I had never seen before.

What if this had gone in a different direction?  What if we had met somewhere for coffee?  no… not at 2:00 am Better Worse still, what if she had come over?  What would my reaction had been at the door?!

Its a simple rule: only post current photos!

The only exception according to me: Along with the current photo you may post older photos, provided they are being posted for some entertaining reason, and you notate when they were taken!

I’ve gotta go now… I have some self-portraits to take.